Betrayal

There was a period of about six months where I did my own thing. I was going to say that I lived by myself, but even that is untrue. I’ve never lived by myself. I’ve not really ever gotten the chance to really know myself. During the six months that I was (sort of) on my own I kept a journal. A few weeks ago I found that journal.

Reading what I wrote during those six months was sobering. I am nowhere near who I was during that time. I cant help but wonder what happened along the way. I regret nothing that I have done. I love my family and I love my husband. But when I lay my head down at night, I do not recognize the person that I have become.

There is a mental picture of myself in my head. It’s the person that I ultimately hope to be. Inside my heart, though, there is a war. I feel the battle within. The person that I want to be is humble and quiet and calm. A Snow White singing in harmony with the forest creatures. But the other part of me is constantly hurling thick black muck telling me that I do not deserve to be so “pure” and that I can never achieve purity anyways. Why try?

I’ve betrayed myself. I’ve allowed who I am and who I’ve wanted to be to become lost among the noisy day to day downfall. I want to be better. I want to be the pure and loving person that I hoped I could be. I know what I need to do to get there. It is just a battle of the wills to do so. I love my family and becoming who I want to be will only cause me to love them even more.

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And then it dawned on me!

Okay. For years I’ve been struggling to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Society says that I have to have a degree and a career to be a productive member of society. Why? Why is that SO important? What if there is NOTHING that I want to do? Literally. There is nothing that I want to do so badly that I will go out of my way to incur even more student loans for. There is nothing that I want to do so badly that I will take a job where I bring home $20 more than what it will cost to send all of my kids to daycare.

Now there are so many moms who have to work. That is totally cool. If money is tight and you have to then more power to you. If you want to then more power to you. But personally, I have a hard time. There are a lot of things that I have to take into consideration but for me it personally wouldn’t work if I worked outside the home.

That brings me to something else. Why isn’t homemaking thought of as an option that is actually respectable? Oh, so you want to stay home and be miserable? Why is it always frowned upon? Well darn it, it is time to take it back and make it respectable again! I’m not talking June Cleaver but cant we get somewhere close? Where did the previous generations fail us in instilling pride in running a family?

My husband is making ends meet financially. Could we benefit from dual income? Not really. Daycare for four kiddos is a bit pricey. Take into account that the job market in the area is spotty at best and you have so little reward for so much effort.

There is no school for homemaking. There used to be home ec but that has been long stripped out of the curriculum. So where are we supposed to learn how to effectively run a home and a family? Thank goodness we live in the age of internet. Without it I’d be lost. Well not really. I’d probably have to own a cookbook and a library card, but that is neither here nor there.

It is time to take homemaking back! It is time for us to come out of the shadows and support one another! It is time for us to be proud to call ourselves homemakers! Homemakers unite!

Change of pace

I really hate it when I have everything planned out so fantastically then when I come to write I draw a blank. Just wanted to say that first. Pardon the ramblings that are about to follow. Thankfully this is not an English class!

Recently my husband has been going to church. That intimidates me. For many reasons really. First off, I dont (well at the time didnt) want to change. I love the things I love and lets just say, they’re not all “Jesus friendly”. Secondly, I’ve always been told that if one person in a marriage is into church and the other is not then the marriage will not work out. I dont want my marriage to not work out. Thirdly, I love my husband as he is. I dont want him to change. The thought of him changing scares the daylights out of me. But he has a right to his own spiritual growth just like I have mine. He and I have talked and he is not pushing me to go or even believe in anything. He is uncertain of where he is at the moment anyways. Okay so he didnt say that last part but I’m just speculating.

All my life I was told what to believe. I was pushed towards God by my mom who made it oh so clear by passive agressive means that not being into the church scene meant not being a good daughter. She would disagree but then again, of course she would.

Church members and church leaders have hurt me time and time again. People I considered very godly.People I admired for their strong beliefs. It has destroyed what I believed. I’m personally on the edge of abandoning God all together. Well, at least I was.

The past year or so things have been clearing up mentally for me. I have been able to think clearly. Certain toxins have been removed and I feel as though I have a set of new eyes. A new outlook on life.

Before I dismiss God and christianity as a sham and worthless, I feel it only fair to give one more shot to disprove or prove beliefs. I want to do things with a level head. Not listeling to others tell me what I should believe or how I should believe. Just coming to a conclusion on my own and going from there.

Another thing. Too many people I talk to or listen to act as though they are just trying to get out of hell. Not my cup of tea. I dont care about eternal destinations. I just want to check things out with fresh eyes and see if it is applicable to my life to get me what I want. Sounds selfish I know. If it makes me a better person, wife, and mom then why not eh? But if it makes me cynical, demeaning, haughty, or controlling like I’ve seen so many people be then forget it.

It’s Been Awhile…

We finally have internet at our new home! Hopefully I will be able to be on more now that we have interwebz.

Things have been going great. The joys of being a stay at home mom are never ending. We have our kids in therapy to work out behaviors associated with issues with their biological mother. It’s really great because it helps us parent them better which is a win-win for everyone.

I’m trying to personally focus on things to improve who I am as a wife and mother as well as who I am as an individual. A lot of work, but very rewarding. I’m open to great apps and tricks for keeping up with a busy household of four kiddos. With the new internet I definitely plan on looking into money saving ideas so if you have any send those to me as well.

Here’s to better connections!

Bravery has only your definition?

In the house I grew up in, homosexual and transgender individuals were ridiculed and called everything in the book. It was not taboo, but forbidden, to associate with. People who identified as such could not be my friends. Not necessarily because it was not allowed but because I would have been completely embarrassed if they heard my family talking about them in the way that they were undoubtedly going to.

I grew up knowing the ridicule for things that were not “normal”. Thus my silent suffering to this day with depression and periodic suicidal thoughts. Thankfully I have found the right medication to help me deal with these issues, but it hasn’t been easy. And it is definitely not something that you want to talk about because of how others look at you and immediately turn to whisper behind your back.

Depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are tortures of the mind. Something that you cannot readily see with the naked eye. Sometimes it cant even be seen by those closest to the individual. Bullying may or may not take place, but the fear of bullying is always there. Silence is your best friend. Just blend in. Don’t take chances. You do not want to be noticed. If you do then others will talk about you. They will hate you. They will call you every name in the book. Just blend in.

Society applauds those who stand up for others. They are hailed as heroes. Heroes are given guns and sent to foreign lands to eliminate threats to those who are weaker. Heroes are a face for those suffering in silence. They are called brave. They are venerated by the nation and those who they stand up for. Those that are protected can rise up and be proud that their heroes paved the way for them to walk boldly in public with their head held high.

Somewhere along the way our nation has perverted the word hero. It has perverted the word brave. Those words have come to somehow be attributed only to those who wield weapons. People who have loved ones who have served in the military are offended when anyone else is given the title their heroes also possess. Somehow the game of greater than less than has crept into the “deeds” department. Forbid someone from standing up for those who live among us daily who we do not agree with less the deeds of a military personnel be lessened. That is simply not how it works.

Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner is brave. Who knows how many years she struggled with her inner tortures. Why did she not come forward as a transgender individual years ago? Who knows. I can only assume that it is somewhat in part to the large number of people who are bullied daily for being homosexual or transgender. Perhaps it had something to do with those who were bullied so much about their personal preferences and inner torments that they took their own life; something I’ve contemplated so many times, something I know all too well the torture of.

I do not believe that Caitlyn Jenner should have to hide their true self any more than someone who is struggling with anxiety or depression or chronic illness should have to hide themselves. Now, don’t think I’m equating homosexuality or transgender individuals with those who should be medicated or cured. I’m simply stating that the taboo that surrounds the LGBT community also surrounds those who are suffering chronic mood disorders and chronic illnesses such as Lupus and Fibromyalgia.

If an incredibly famous individual came forward as a spokesperson for Lupus, depression, bi-polar, Fibromyalgia, or generalized anxiety disorder they would be hailed as heroes. They would be given a platform with no prejudice. They would be allowed to conduct their public speeches without the opposition being the majority.

Caitlyn Jenner has come forward and risen above social prejudice. She has stood up for those who suffer silently. She has come forward to be a voice for those who have none. She has been rewarded for being herself when others kill themselves for being bulled for being believed to be the same. Coming forward and publicly acknowledging who she is happy being IS bravery. Shame on those who say it is not. She knew that she would have opposition and knew that there would be some who wished her harm or even death. She looked fear in the eyes and stood tall. That is bravery.

Bravery is not something that can be held by only war heroes. Many “Americans” have forgotten that. So whether you are a hero to one or one million, I salute you. Speaking for those who have no voice and being yourself in the process. Being kind and soft-spoken in a world of meanness and shouting. Those are the often unsung heroes. Those are the Caitlyn Jenners’. Those are ones who SHOULD be acknowledged. Be a hero. Be yourself. Be brave.

I’m Still Here…

I have been missing writing lately. I’m still here though. So many things are going on in the day-to-day that I just get caught up. The baby is finally getting on a schedule and daily tasks are becoming much more manageable. So many thoughts have been swirling in this usually empty head of mine for things that I would like to write about and expound on. That is what I’m going to be doing this month. Some topics I plan on covering are God and Government, the Demise of Man, Putting History in the Past, etc.

I’m also contemplating including a section for reviews of products. Something to get me away from all the depressing shit. I’ve got a favorite product right now that I’m doing a review for. Mulling over some ideas about an Etsy shop too. Tulas, cloth postpartum gift baskets, accessories and whatnot. I’m actually trying to find something that I’m really excited to do other than change diapers and wash dishes. ┬áNeed a definition of sorts for my persona.

So many things to do and so little time to do it! I’m still kicking.

I’ve been thinking

Here lately I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. Honestly 99% of them have to do with things other than my parents. Which is a wonderful relief. The few things that have presented themselves in regards to myself and the general theme I’ve been following lately have been minor.

For instance, I colored my hair. Not a big accomplishment to some, but to me it was monumental. I was never allowed to color my hair growing up. Well, I did once and it was right after a really bad perm so it fried my hair and I was not allowed to do it again. Ever. Even if I HAD been allowed to experiment, I was all but forbidden from wearing red hair. My mom didn’t like it. My dad chased red heads and he wanted her to dye her hair red. It offended her so ginger=bad.

Guess what? My hair is RED! It’s so sexy! I love it! A few years, even a few months ago, I would have never considered dying my hair, much less dying it red because it was not something that was permitted. I love learning new and liberating things about myself. I’m glad that I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something that brings me happiness. Every time I look in the mirror I smile. Every time I catch a glimpse of red in the sunlight through my hair I smile. I can’t wait to go even redder.